


I Wish My Brain Had A Map To Tell My Heart Where To Go

by Natalie_Carson



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 05:49:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14909535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natalie_Carson/pseuds/Natalie_Carson
Summary: Amy struggles not to miss Jake after he is forced to leave to Florida





	I Wish My Brain Had A Map To Tell My Heart Where To Go

And just like that her entire life fell apart. One phone call. One thirty second phone call, and everything was over. No binder in the world could’ve prepared her for this. All around everything seemed to become a blur. She tried to listen to what the marshall was saying, but the ringing in her ear was so loud it was the only thing she could focus on. All of her friends noded with grim looks on their faces while she started straight ahead.

“Aims.” Jake said snapping her out of it. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of the room. Everyone else had already left while she was stuck in her own head. The two of them walked down to the evidence room. He closed the door behind them and immediately pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around him burying her face into his chest, her eyes already starting to burn. 

She could feel his heavy breathing and his heart beat racing. He hugged her tighter than he ever had before. “I love you so much.” he whispered into her hair. The tears that had been threatening to spill over ever since he got that call in the bar finally left her eyes. She didn’t try to stop them, there was no point. She could feel the spot in his shirt where her face was getting wet from the tears. 

“I love you so much too.” she said choking back a sob. She could feel the top of her head getting slightly wet and she knew that he wasn’t trying to hold back his tears either. A part of her heart broke not only for their relationship but for him. She was going to miss her boyfriend sure. But he would have to leave everything behind. Move to some random state. Probably Wyoming or something, that’s what tended to happen. She was at least getting to stay in New York and continuing to be a cop. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Amy told him moving her hands to the back of his neck.

“I can’t do that, you know me.” He told her relaxing his grip on her slightly moving his hands to the small of her back. She looked into his eyes and wished that the moment could last forever. She could feel deep down that she would spend the rest of God only knows how long wishing she could look into his dreamy chocolate brown eyes. 

“Please.” She whispered to him. She needed him to say it. Even if it wasn’t true, she needed something to hang onto.

He closed his eyes for a second as if he was contemplating what the right answer was to the question. “Okay. I promise that I will not go out of my way to do something stupid.”

“Good enough.” She said in defeat standing on her tiptoes to press a light kiss to her lips. He kissed her back slowly, savoring every moment. When he pulled back they rested their foreheads against each other, eyes starting to burn again from tears. Neither one of them said anything, but they didn’t have to. The silence said everything. 

The hours passed by way too fast and before Amy knew it they were saying their final goodbyes. The precinct stood in a line while Captain Holt and Jake walked down the line saying goodbye to everyone. When Holt got to her he hugged her, showing a rare form of emotion. “You should know that I am proud of you.” He whispered into her ear. She didn’t even try to hold back the tears as he let her go and moved to say goodbye to Gina. 

When Jake got to her, she could tell he was trying so hard to be strong, to not cry in front of all of his co workers. Well former co workers for the time being. He hugged her tightly and she wrapped her arms around him as much as she could. “I love you so so much.” He whispered into her ear, his breathe warm sending chills down her spine. A different kind of chills then what she was used to when he whispered something into her ear. 

“I’m going to miss you more than words can describe.” she whispered back. After a moment that felt entirely too short he let her go. She wiped the tears from her cheek using the back of her hand. She didn’t watch him say goodbye to the rest of the group. Instead she kept her eyes straight ahead trained at the elevator door.

“Well this goodbye for now.” Holt said addressing the whole group. “I want you guys to know that I feel incredibly lucky to have been apart of this president. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” His voice cracked slightly. “We should probably go.” He said to Jake. “The marshall is waiting downstairs.”

The two walked towards the elevator and it took everything in Amy to not go running towards them. When the door opened the door opened the two men got into the elevator. “Stay classy New York.” Jake yelled. Although he was still joking around Amy could have sworn she saw the tears in his eyes. The doors closed and just like that he was gone. 

Month 1

The nights were the hardest. She could usually distract herself enough at work. She had thrown herself even more the casses than usual, which said something for her. Whenever she felt like she was overworking she could almost hear his voice across who knows how many miles telling her that she needs to take a break and relax. 

At night there were no distractions. She would take casses home, but she still couldn’t work on a case when she was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. That’s when her mind started to spin. Wondering exactly where he was right now, what the weather was like, if he was in a nice house. She often found herself wondering what he was doing at any given instance. Was he safe? Was he thinking about her? It was useless. 

She buried her face into his pillow as she did every night. Her pillow had been discarded on the floor along time ago and she had never bothered to pick it up. Every night she was using his pillow and sleeping on his side of the bed. It was stupid but for some reason it comforted her. His pillow hadn’t been washed in God only knows how long, so it still smelt like him. Even Amy hadn’t washed her sheets since he left. It bothered her, as she was the person who washed them once a week. But yet she couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

One night though she was so tired that she ordered take out pizza and ate in the bed, another thing she never would’ve done before. She tried to be careful not to get crumbs everywhere. But of course when she laid down to go to sleep she could feel the crumbs all over the sheets. Reluctantly she got out bed and stripped the sheets. She put them in the washer and sat on the couch staring at absolutely nothing, only getting up to put them in the dryer.

When she pulled them out of the dryer, they were still piping hot. A small smile crept to her face at the idea of going to sleep on warm sheets. She had always loved falling asleep on freshly washed sheets. When she held the grey sheets up to her nose however her smile quickly disappeared. They smelt the way they should. Clean. She sunk down to sit in front of the dryer still holding the sheets up to her nose. She hated the smell, a smell that up until now she had always loved. But know it seemed wrong. 

She let her tears go making the sheets slightly wet where she was clutching them to her face. She didn’t even bother suppressing the sob that escaped from the back of her throat. She missed him so much. All she wanted was to have him here, he always knew how to comfort her when she felt sad. The only difference is that she was never sad because of him. She sat on the floor in front of the dryer for at least an hour, not wanting to move.

When finally looked up at the clock it read two am. She got up off the floor carrying the sheets that were no longer any where near hot with her. She made the bed and grabbed the blanket that had fallen on the floor. She didn’t grab her pillow though. Instead she laid down in bed with his pillow like she had done every night since he had left. She may have broke and washed the sheets, but she didn’t was the pillow case.

After work the next day the first thing that she did was go and buy different detergent. She looked at all of them in the store for entirely too long. She eventually settled on on the cheapest one that was there. She thought that she had recognized the bottle from his apartment. When she got home she once again stripped the bed, but this time she used the other detergent.

Month 2

Work had gotten busy. Which was great for Amy, it gave her something to think about besides the stranger that was sitting across from her. Of course work being busy also meant that she was putting in a lot of overtime. Which was another positive since she wasn’t able to sit around her empty apartment and wallow in sadness.

Of course she still wished that they would let the receipt work on the Figgs case. It wasn’t fair really, they were some of the best detectives in New York if she did say so herself. Plus this case was important to them, there was some motivation to get Jake and Holt back. The new captain was terrible. 

One night she didn’t make it home until four am. When she went to bed, she forgot to set her alarm clock which was so unlike her. So when she woke up at seven am and looked at the time, she nearly had a heart attack. She was going to be late for the first time like ever. She quickly got out of bed and pulled on yesterday's jeans and a sweatshirt that was sitting on the floor next to the jeans. It wasn’t the most professional look, but it would have to do for now.

She walked into the precipent an hour late. Rosa looked up and gave her a sad smile. She quickly walked to her desk and sat down hoping that no one would say anything to her. Charles walked over to her desk with the same sad smile that Rosa had. “Yes I know, I’m late.” She said before he could.

“Oh no,” Charles said. “We don’t care about that, we know you’re going through a lot.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Amy asked slightly offended. 

Charles looked taken aback briefly for a moment. “Well uh.” he stumbled. “I just mean, that you know, this can’t be easy for you.”

“What can’t be easy for me?” Amy asked. She put emphasis on the word what as if daring him to tell her what she was going through.

“Jake being gone. It’s tearing me apart, and he was just my best friend.” Charles choked slightly at the word best friend, and Amy wanted to get up and give him a big hug. Tell him that she knows exactly what he is going through. But yet she doesn't.

“I’m fine.” She replied trying to muster the coldest tone she possibly could. “Just really tired because of this case.”

“Yeah well, it’s just that you’re wearing his clearly dirty sweatshirt, so I just wanted to let you know, we’re here for you.” Amy looked down at the sweatshirt. Of course she realized it was Jake’s the second she put it on. The smell was almost too much to handle. Much like the sheets it probably hadn’t been washed it months. It smelled like he had just sprayed cologne on it to mask the stinch. If he were here she would’ve yelled at him how disgusting it was, but right now she was glad that it hadn’t been washed. 

Charles was right though, there was a huge stain on it. It looked like pizza sauce. She mentally cringed at how gross it was. She didn’t really have time to look in the mirror this morning otherwise she might have changed. 

Gina walked over to Amy’s desk carrying a NYPD sweatshirt. “Here.” She said as she gave it to Amy. “This one was left over from when he cleaned out his locker. It probably reeks, but at least it doesn't have a huge ass stain on it.”

Amy thanked her before getting up and going to the bathroom to change. She pulled on the sweatshirt and it smelt just about the same as the other one. When she left the bathroom stall she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like a trainwreck. She had barely brushed her hair this morning, she had no makeup on, and there was still sleep in the corner of eyes. Plus the sweatshirt she was wearing was like two sizes too big. 

She knew that if Jake were here, he would tell her she looked beautiful just the way she was. But he wasn't here, and right now that’s not the way she felt. She looked the exact same way she was feeling. Shattered and hanging on by a thread. 

Month 3

She missed the sound of his voice. She missed every part of him, but the sound of his voice and his laugh were definitely at the top of the list. She even missed all of his stupid Die Hard references, and that was something she never thought she would say.

Maybe she was making too big a deal out of this whole thing was something she occasionally thought to herself. Mainly when she was crying over her fried rice from his favorite Thai take out place. But it wasn’t like she was being completely unreasonable. She hadn’t seen her boyfriend in three months, and she has no freaking idea where he is in the country. 

At work she sat down at her desk and tried to throw herself in the case as she always did, but for whatever reason today just wasn’t going well. She grabbed her purse and headed outside. The outside air was brisk, but it still felt nice somehow. Sometimes the precipt could get so stuffy. She had never noticed it until recently, but now she sometimes felt as if she was going to suffocate in there.

She opened her purse and began rummaging through it past the cigarettes to pull out her phone. She held it in her hand for a second contemplating what she was doing. Before she could think too much longer she dialed his number, she knew it by heart. The phone rang, and deep down she hoped that maybe he would pick up. It was false hope and she knew it, yet she still couldn’t stop the way she crossed her fingers. 

The phone continued to ring until she heard his voice. “Hey!” he exclaimed. 

As unusual her heart lurched forward, for just a split second every time she thought it was actually him. It was a cruel reminder that he was really gone. She listened to the rest of the voicemail. The way he pretend as if he was listening saying okay and yeah every once in a while. Until eventually he cracked and said that it was his voicemail. The laugh at the very end was the main reason Amy kept calling the number. It was his infectious laugh, the one he always used when he thought he was being real clever or something. She liked to hear it, reminded her of the way things were. 

She put her phone back in her purse and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. Everyone in there thought she was out here smoking anyway. And somehow smoking a cigarette was less embarrassing than the real reason she came out here.

Month 4 

It was her birthday. She reminded herself that it was a happy occasion, that she should be celebrating. At work they were throwing her a party, although she begged them not. They also bought her gifts much to her dismay. Amy knew this because she saw them all carrying them into the break room this morning. After work she was going to dinner with a parents and brothers. It was supposed to be a happy occasion she reminded herself. 

Amy knew that he was thinking about her that he probably wanted to call her just as badly as she wanted to call him. She kept trying to remind herself this. Somewhere in the country he was miserable since he wasn’t able to speak to her. 

The day went by fast with work being busy, and anytime her mind started to think about Jake, she quickly shut it out. It had been four months, not seeing him everyday was a normal now. It was her new reality. She didn’t like it but that’s the way it was. Life’s not always fair. 

She meet with all of her co workers for the party. Boyle had made all the food arrangements, because some things never change, while Gina had decorated. It was really was a lovely party despite her two favorite people missing. She pushed those feelings aside though and tried to have fun with the people that were there with her.

Soon she was opening gifts, sure most of them were gag gifts such as Gina’s poo pourri and Rosa’s toilet monster. Come to think of it a lot of the gifts were toilet related. After all the gifts and cleaning up the party, Amy walked back out to her desk to grab her things before heading home. Before she could leave the building though, Charles stopped her.

“Hey.” He said “I didn’t have a chance to give you my gift. Everyone else’s seemed kind of silly and I just, I don’t know.” He handed her a dvd box with no cover. “I didn’t have time to wrap it.” Amy examined the box in her hand before opening it to find a dvd with no writing on it.

“Thanks.” She said drawing out each syllable still unaware of what the gift was. “What uh, what exactly is it though?” She tried to ask it in the most polite way she could, but Amy was still concerned it came off too bitchy.

“Just put it in your dvd player.” Charles told her before winking and walking towards the elevators.

Amy smiled at him through all the weirdness that had just occurred. As soon as the elevator doors closed her smile dropped. She returned to her desk and set her purse on the ground. Booting up her computer, Amy put the disk from Charles into the disk slot. 

When the computer turned on she loaded the file. It was a video so she hit the play button before sinking down in her chair. What on Earth had Charles created? Was this some kind of home video of his son? Some clever way to make her look at more pictures?

Amy leaned her head back staring at the ceiling while the video loaded. She closed her eyes for a second, thinking about how long it was going to take her to drive to the restaurant to meet up with her family. 

She was jolted back to reality at the sound of Jake’s voice coming from her computer. “This is for you Amy.” He said looking directly at the camera. He then took off running and tried to do a flip. It didn’t work. She laughed at how clumsy he looked. To his credit though, he got right up off the ground and asked Charles if he got it.

One by one, all sorts of videos of Jake being Jake were put onto her screen. Most were videos she had never seen before. They must have been videos Charles had been recording over the years. Every once in a while a crime scene would stand out to Amy and she would remember his late night pillow talk about who he thought the perp was. There was even a mention of the Pontiac bandit in there at one point. 

After thirty minutes the videos were replaced with a black screen. There was writing on the screen that read “Happy birthday Amy” Below the message were all of coworkers names. Amy checked her phone and realized that there was no way she wasn’t going to be late. Usually that would bother her, but right now she was glad to just be here.

Month 6

Amy stood eagerly outside the elevator. The marshall had called to say that she was scheduling a meeting today. It worried Amy slightly considering that she hasn’t heard anything about them since they left. The fact that she now wanted to schedule a meeting was frightening. Was she going to tell her that Figgs found them first and they are both dead. When the elevator door opened it took everything in Amy to not sprint towards her demanding to know what this is all about. Instead she stood there waiting patiently for the Haas to get off the elevator. 

“Good morning.” Marshall Haas said to Amy. “I can not stay too long today. My condolences.”

“Is he okay?” Amy asked. She wasn’t really listening, she was just mentally preparing for the answer to the question if it wasn’t anything other than yes. 

“Yes. Yes- Peralta and Holt are completely okay. I am here on a completely routine visit.” Haas said stopping for effect looking at Amy. “As this is the sixth month gone, you will be entitled to write a one page letter to them.”

Amy’s mouth fell agap. A one page letter, she was going to get to talk to him. She swallowed hard. 

“Granted he will not be able to write back, nor will he be able to keep the letter, as I will burn it after he has read it.”

Amy moved her hair behind her ears. “Yes of course.” She said. 

“Great, I’ll need it by tomorrow.” Haas said as she got back on the elevator. When the door closed Amy quickly ran over to her desk and got out a piece of paper and colorful pens and started working on draft one.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is too angsty. Feedback is greatly appreciated :)  
> Find me on tumblr @ https://natnatcarson.tumblr.com


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